What is the magic number? According to British anthropologist Robin Dunbar, the magic number is 5. What am I talking about? Best friends of course! Everyone wants to have friends and be a part of a valuable relationship. But how many friends is too many and how many friends can you maintain stable, healthy relationships with at one time? According to Dunbar's research, a person has the mental and emotional capacity to have 5 extremely close "best" friends, 15 good friends, 50 friends-ish, 150 meaningful contacts, 500 acquaintances, and 1500 people you can recognize. What I found most amazing by this theory was that when studied in the natural world it has found to be true for many different groups of people. A 2008 survey by the Knot found that the average wedding guest list was 148 people, English villages in the 1800's contained an average of 160 residents, today some religious communities such as the Amish may split groups once the community reaches over 150 members, and the owner of Gore-Tex would only hire under 150 employees at each of his factories to encourage better and higher functioning relationships among his employees.
Although the human brain is an amazing thing that we (as much as we don't like to admit) still don't know a lot about, we do know that it has it's limitations. How many other humans we are able to connect with on an emotional, friendship level is one of those limitations. But with our easy access to social media and the internet, how we interact with people and information is changing and how many people we interact with on a daily basis is changing. I can't tell you how many times my Father-in-law has told me "Daughter, you need to take a break from social media" and as much as I hate to admit it sometimes he is right. We just don't have the capacity to keep up with and process information from 900 of our facebook friends. (After typing this I had to check how many facebook friends I have and I have 959 friends, I love you all, but I can't keep up with all of you.)
A conversation with a friend mine, Claudia (follow her on IG @beilersinlove) is what sparked my interest on this topic and what prompted me to start researching Dunbar's Theory. During one of our coffee dates she briefly mentioned this theory as we were talking about the information overload we receive from social media. She mentioned that we were never meant to know all of the details of what is happening all around the world at any one point in time. Think about it, while I am sitting in my warm, cozy bed in Pennsylvania, USA I can jump online and read the news from any country or city in the world. If I want to know what is going on in Ireland, Greece, Taiwan, Russia, or anywhere else in the world this exact moment I can look online. However, with social media most of the time we are not out seeking this information it just appears on our timeline. Headlines like "8 Dead in Murder Suicide at Elementary School in Kansas" or "Tsunami Terrorizes Coastal Towns in Japan" although there is nothing wrong with sharing important events, reading these headlines daily overloads our mental capacity, desensitizing us to our own communities news and information. I have included an IG story from Claudia further explaining her research into this as well, I highly suggest taking a look!
Desensitization was the topic of conversation for my friend Marissa and I this past Friday night when I brought up Dunbar's Theory and the limitations of our own mental bandwidth. I couldn't have agreed with her point more. Seeing devastating and terrible headlines daily from events that happen in places you've probably never been and may never see in person, desensitizes you from the tragic things that happen in your own community and it takes away from the sense of community our society once had. In my observation, the constant bombardment of information plays a huge role in our ability to have compassion, empathy and connection with other people.
In conclusion I want to encourage you to keep the ones you love close. We NEED friends and human connection, it's a vital part of living a healthy life. However, don't feel like you need to be friends with everyone all the time. It is emotionally and physically draining to be focused on everyone around you and all of the information being thrown at you all of the time. It's healthy to have a balance and it's okay to take a step back from relationships that are draining you of your own mental capacity and energy. And it's the same with information. Technology has allowed us to have access to more information than any of our ancestors ever had. Every now and then take a step back and take time to enjoy what is around you, to enjoy those you love, to care for yourself and to not let your brain go into overload.
Side Note: This video by Robin Dunbar himself was very interesting and it was cool to hear from the man behind the theory!
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17
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