Failure is a Part of Success

This is a hard post to write, but I feel like it needs to be said and I need to be vulnerable and open up, so here goes. 

As most of my friends and family know, I've been passionate about birth work for almost two and a half years now. In those two and a half years I have gotten certified as a birth and postpartum doula, attended two births, supported parents in the postpartum period, learned how to make killer lactation cookies, took a Lamaze seminar, studied my butt off for the Lamaze exam and took the Lamaze exam in November.

Lamaze is an amazing organization and despite what some people think it isn't just about how to breath or a method for women to use during childbirth . Lamaze promotes evidence based information, the six healthy birth practices, informed consent, educating parents on the evidence and much more.

I have such a heart for new parents and I want to do nothing but to love on them, educate them, support them in whatever educated decisions they decide to make throughout their pregnancy, birth and postpartum period and to help teach them how to advocate for themselves and their choices.

Like I said before, in November I sat for the Lamaze exam to become a certified childbirth educator. This test was probably the most stressful test I have ever taken. I am not a good test taker, I never have been. My homework grades, and project grades were always really high in school, but I had fairly low test scores my whole life, so I was super nervous about this test. I took two Lamaze seminars just to make sure the information stuck, I read through the study guide, the required readings, took notes, watched videos, talked to parents, talked to other birth workers, etc. but I was still nervous.

Well, I got my score back this week. I needed a 72% to pass, and I got a 71%. In the grand scheme of it, 71% is a good grade for me, and about average with my test grades in high school and college. But unlike high school and college I didn't have homework grades or project grades to pull my grade up.

Failing the exam feels terrible. I've been trying so hard to stay positive, I scheduled another Lamaze seminar, pulled my books and study guide back off the shelf and plan to retake the test in April. But it is hard to describe how I truly feel because I feel still feel like a complete failure.

But I've learned so much the past 2.5 years, I know more about the anatomy and hormonal physiology of a woman in labor than I ever knew existed, I know about a wide array of comfort measures, I know the six healthy birth practices like the back of my hand, I know all about the placenta, the umbilical cord and what choices and rights women have during their pregnancy and in childbirth. I mean, I even asked for a pelvis model for Christmas so I can better teach my future clients and students about how awesome the pelvis is. But my overthinking and brain freeze got to me.

So I guess all of this to say, don't give up, I am not going to. I could very easily walk away from this, say "oh well, I tried" and move on. But I am not giving up. I am going to study twice as hard, reread the required readings, take another Lamaze seminar. I am going to write a childbirth education curriculum, and I am going to retake that test until I pass.

I also want to take the time to do a shout out to all of the amazing people who have supported me so
far in my journey. Wendy, my Doula and Lamaze instructor/mentor/friend/all around birth queen is top notch (I promise my lack of test taking ability does not reflect her amazing teaching skills and support!), my birth-working co-workers and friends, y'all are amazing and ridiculously supportive, my parents who not only support me and my passions, but who also bought me a pelvis model for Christmas (you guys rock!) and my husband who has to listen to me talk about placentas and vaginas all the time. You guys all continue to love, encourage, and inspire me. They say to always surround yourself with good people, but I have some of the best people in the world surrounding me.

To close, I want to encourage anyone else out there who is going through any kind of failure or setbacks. Take the time you need to grieve and reflect on it, but don't dwell on it. Remember that failure is not the opposite of success, it is a part of success. We are capable of so many great things, so don't quit now!

Side note: In addition to writing my own curriculum, I am planning to teach a class before the exam so I can work out any kinks, get practice. If any of my pregnant friends are interested, please let me know. This class will be free (location TBD but probably somewhere around Lancaster or Lebanon area). I am hoping to teach the class to get feedback and experience. Please email me at samanthaswartzdoula@gmail.com if you are interested.

2018 In Review

2018 was a crazy roller coaster of a year. It was filled with a lot of great memories and some bad ones as well. The year started off pretty uneventful, it wasn't until April when our first big event happened.

I got a text on the morning of April 5 from my sister Felicia, that she thought her water had broken. It was an insane 24 or so hours, but in the wee morning hours of April 6th my precious nephew was born. Becoming an Aunt was one of the single most exciting things that has ever happened to me. I love my tiny little nephew so much and watching him grow has been an incredible experience.

A little while after Felicia gave birth to my nephew, my sister-in-law, Jenna went to Prom. She was absolutely stunning as her and her boyfriend drove off in a fancy convertible to dance the night away! 

The next major event in our lives was my sister-in-laws graduation. When I first met her, she was 10 years old so the thought of her graduating high school and going off to college is crazy. It's been awesome watching her grow and mature into a smart, beautiful young lady! 

After her graduation, the Swartz family jumped on a ship and took a Bahamas vacation to celebrate! It was Josh and I's first time on a cruise and I am obsessed. The food, the activities, the adventures, it was an amazing vacation! We did a dolphin excursion in Nassau and ate an insane amount of food! 

Bayonne, NJ > Cape Canaveral, FL > Coco Cay, Bahamas > Nassau, Bahamas > Bayonne, NJ

During the last week of July, Josh was away on a mission's trip with the youth students so I was home alone. It has been pouring rain and right before I was about to go to bed I noticed a dampness in our basement only to find a small bit of water in the corner of the basement. I wipe it up with towels, but it seemed to be continuing to leak in. To make a long story short my in-laws came over late that night and helped move all of the furniture upstairs (our office space and our TV/entertaining space is in the basement). My parents and brother as well as some family friends were over on and off for the next two days helping to keep the water manageable and make sure the pumps where working. At max we had 4 or 5 people shop vaccing, 3 sump pumps and a 100 gallon/minute pump pushing out all of the water and at one point in the middle of the night my brother was up trying to manage the water and it was at least a foot deep. It was an insane experience that I never want to have to go through again, and I am soooo thankful to my amazing in-laws, my parents, my brother and everyone else who were there to help me through it. 

I don't have any photos of the next major event, but with the humid, wet summer we had, our house also became infested with fleas. I tried all kinds of natural remedies, but ultimately decided to leave it up to the professionals. We had an exterminator come three times before the fleas were gone. I vacuumed every square inch of my house no less than 15 times in that month time period. We got the cats treated and we spent a lot of time, energy and money to do whatever we could to get rid of all any trace of fleas. It was quite a fiasco to deal with, especially so soon after the chaos of the flood. 

This summer I also spent some time with my grandmother, we went to the Tomato Festival and I ate the best tomato sandwich I've ever had. This was a selfie from our tomato festival adventure! 

Next was my birthday trip! Growing up, my parents always did something special for me on my birthday. It started off with going to the movies. We rarely went to the movies when I was a kid, it was always a treat! So when I was young I got to pick a movie to go see in the theaters (fun fact, the first movie I ever saw in theaters was The Lion King!) As I got older we did more adventurous things like the Aquarium or we would go on a day trip, usually boating on the Chesepeake. This year I wanted to go to the aquarium, so Josh and I drove down the Baltimore, went to the aquarium and had lunch at The Hard Rock Cafe. 

Jenna also started college this fall! I am so proud of how she is growing into a beautiful, young woman! 

Josh and I also went with a few friends to see Pentatonix in Hershey. I am not much of a Pentatonix fan, but the show was fantastic. We had bought cheap nosebleeds seats, but upon our arrival, they had upgraded us to general admission, which was a small section in the very front of the stadium, we were in the first 10-ish rows. Echosmith opened up the show, and being a huge Echosmith fan, I was psyched! Josh and I had also seen Janet Jackson there the week before for free (thanks to a friend trying to get rid of tickets) but for some reason I can't find any photos from that show. 

Perhaps the best thing that happened this fall was that Marissa had won tickets to see Mean Girl's on broadway on Mean Girl's Day. It was a once in a lifetime experience and I am so blessed and honored she chose to invite me to be her +1. Not wanting to take any more time off of work than I had to, I worked a half day that day, left at lunch time, picked up Marissa in Lancaster, we drove to the Trenton train station where we jumped on the train to NYC. We grabbed a quick slice of Pizza, saw the show and was home by 2am.  Since it was official Mean Girl's day, it was a huge event. Tina Few was there with Jonathan Bennett, who played Aaron Samuels in the movie. 

Christmas this year was a little more uneventful than previous years. I didn't even have time or energy to decorate the outside of our house, but we did get a tree and I did decorate a little bit on the inside of our house. Christmas day was great with our usual brunch at the Swartz's and dinner with the Piersol's.  

In 2018 I am most thankful for my amazing, incredible husband who has such a big heart and who I love so much. I am so thankful for my in-laws who have been such incredible role models to Josh and I, we sincerely value and appreciate their advice and wisdom, my parents who continue to love and support us and who are always there for us, and our friends who have encouraged us and walked along side of us through this crazy adventure we call life.  

Here is to 2019 and all of the wonderful memories to made!