Adoption Update

I've been wanting to do an adoption update post, but there really hasn't been a whole lot to update you guys on. 

The last few weeks Josh & I have been spending our evenings filling out lots of paperwork. We hired Christian Adoption Consultants, who have so far been awesome. They have an extensive questionnaire that took us a few days to get through. In addition, we hired them to also complete our profile book for us. Our profile book is a magazine style book all about us! Expecting mothers use our profile book to learn about us, our love story, our community, our family, etc. to help them make a decision on who they would want and trust to raise their child. 

Our next step is to hire a local organization to do our home study. This process has been giving me anxiety because it feels so daunting. Perhaps I am building it up in my head to be some giant mountainous obstacle in the way of meeting my child, when really it will be a simpler process than what I am making it out to be. However, I can't help but to think about why we have to jump through so many hoops, fill out piles of paperwork, spend tens of thousands of dollars, have a social worker dig into every corner of our lives in order for us to grow our family. Yet someone who naturally gets pregnant gets to just bring home a child, no questions asked. I do understand why. There are so many people out there with awful intentions. But this process doesn't feel like it's for the faint of heart. 

Other than that, there isn't much else to update you on. We are coming along with planning for our big golf fundraiser. We have sponsorship opportunities available as well as opportunities to donate to our silent auction. For more information or to register visit hbgc.info/swartzadoption

If you have been praying for our journey, thank you! Your love, support & prayers mean the absolute world to us. If you are looking for specific ways to pray for us, please pray over the home study process. There is a lot of paperwork and information we need to gather, we need to get physicals, get background checks & child abuse clearances, etc. Pray that this process goes smoothly and that we are able to quickly gather the information our caseworker will need to write up their home study report. 

Thank you & God Bless!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Adoption Update and Q&A

Hello friends & family. I want to start off this blog with a huge THANK YOU! We have had so much love & supported poured over us the last few weeks. So many of you have a ton of questions and we want to be an open book and talk honestly about our journey, so I plan to do updates and on this blog as often as I can. Here are a few Q&A's to cover a lot of the questions we've been asked so far! 

Q: What is the process like? Are you matched with a child yet? 

A: We can't even start the matching process until our home study is done and we hire an agency. It's a long process with a lot of paperwork and hoops to jump through. Our very first step will be to hire an Adoption Consultant. This organization is not an agency, rather they walk us through the entire process. They will make sure the right paperwork is filled out and gets sent to the right person/organization, they help us create content and design our profile book- which will be given to birth mothers, they will help us find ethical agencies and we will have access to their list of vetted home study organizations, legal representation, etc.

Q: So what is your next step? 

A: Once we hire an adoption consultant, our next step is to start the home study process! 

Q: When will you bring your baby home?

A: We don't know! We have months of paperwork ahead of us before we start hiring adoption agencies. We hope the process will only take 9-12 months, but we really don't know. We are trusting that God is in control and His timing will be absolutely perfect! 

Q: Do you want a boy or girl?

A: We don't care! We know God has a child picked out specifically for us, and although I have many more girl names picked out than boy names- I will be so happy to be a mom to either a boy or a girl! 

Q: Where are you adopting from? 

A: Although we aren't totally set, we are very heavily leaning towards Florida. Each state has different laws regarding adoption and Florida's laws are ideal for adoptive parents. We are also wanting to hire an agency that is ethical and supports birth mom throughout the process & during postpartum, I have heard positive stories from agencies in Florida, which is why we are leaning towards Florida. 

Q: How can I help?

A: There a few ways you can help & support us during this journey. First is with prayer. There is a lot we don't know yet- the home study process feels intimidating at the moment and we are about to make a huge financial commitment. Praying for peace over the process, prayer that I will be able to let go of control (something that is hard for me to do) and prayers for our precious birth mom & future baby would be so appreciated. Another way you can help and support us IF you are able to & feel led is financially. We are saving up and planning a few more fundraisers. If you feel led to join in on our fundraisers (like the t-shirt fundraiser we had in August) or you want to donate, we would be so appreciative and thankful. Keep an eye out for information on our next fundraiser. 

I hope this answers some of your questions for now. We do not have the answers to most questions, but we know God is in control and we are trusting Him through this process. 

Love Makes a Family

At the time that I am typing this, only a very, very small amount of people (only our absolute closest best friends and family members) know our plans, but by the time you read this our news will be public! After a long journey of trying to expand our family, Josh & I have been praying and listening to God about His plan for us. We have had a lot of moments of anxiety, stress and anger over the last two years, but it is with great excitement that we announce our plans to adopt! 

It's not a secret that our journey to start our family has not been an easy one. I have spent what feels like endless months testing, tracking and charting my cycle. Every month I'd feel a tiny little twinge thinking it's the first sign of pregnancy only for it to be the start of my period. It's hard to describe what that feeling is like to someone who hasn't personally experienced it, but every month felt so defeating, discouraging and everything felt so much more frustrating, and the wait between cycles often time felt like months. However, we have spent much time in thoughtful prayer, so when both Josh and I felt the call to adoption, we knew it was exactly what we were meant to do. I had never felt so at peace with a decision in my life. The biggest wave of relief and excitement crashed over me and I knew this was Gods plan all along. I went from crying at every pregnancy announcement I'd see on facebook to being truly happy & excited without jealousy sneaking up on me. 

Now comes the hard part. Endless paperwork, a home study & lots of fundraising. The adoption process costs tens of thousands of dollars (on average between $30,000-$50,000 for a domestic infant adoption) and can take months, even years. I don't know what the next year or two of our lives will look like as we go through this lengthy process, but I know God is in control. He put this calling on our hearts and we are so excited to see His plan for our family come to fruition. 

We thank all of our friends and family from the deepest depths of our hearts. Your support means the absolute world to us. If you want to and are able to help financially we will have a few fun fundraising opportunities in the coming months. If you can not help financially we so deeply appreciate all of your prayers & kind words over the coming months. I know the process will not be an easy one but knowing that we have so many amazing people routing for us, praying over us and already loving our little one is so priceless. Thank you.  

If you would like to contribute to our first fundraiser, feel free to check out the link HERE. 

Mothers in Waiting

I have attempted to write a blog post on this topic over a dozen times now, in fact five of those attempts are still sitting in my draft folder. I have had a desire to share my story to some capacity beyond my generalized Instagram stories, However, it wasn't until I stepped away & picked up the book "Mothers in Waiting" that I felt I truly had the words to express myself, my grief and my emotions. I started reading this book while on vacation and I couldn't help but feel a connection to the women who shared their stories in this book.

Fertility struggles are not for the faint of heart, it's a battle you can not prepare for. You have officially joined an exclusive club in which no body wants to belong. It isn't easy & unless someone has truly gone through the experience themselves, they can not know or understand what you are going through. The emotions when seeing a pregnant woman in line at Target, the anxiety of receiving a baby shower invitation, the jealousy of seeing a mother holding her toddlers hand through the parking lot of the grocery store. The emotions are sometimes impossible to explain to someone who doesn't understand. That is where this book has helped me. I know I am not alone in this journey, but I have felt alone in trying to find the words to express how I feel to those closest to me. I don't want to turn this blog post into a sales pitch for this book however, I am going to share some quotes from a number of the women who contributed to this book. My hope is that others who are on a similar journey can find peace in knowing you aren't alone. I hope this also helps those who haven't walked this journey, to have another perspective into the struggles of so many couples, some of which may be close friends or family members. 

Our pastor always quoted Psalm 127:3, which says that "children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him" (NLT). When would I get my reward? Was I being punished by God? I now know that God doesn't work like this and that the word reward is actually more synonymous with gift, something for which we did nothing. There is nothing we can do to earn God's favor. 

I felt a deep tug at my heart when I read Meghann's struggle with Psalm 127:3. Every time I hear this verse I feel bitter and angry. What have I done wrong to not receive this gift? Do I not read my bible enough? Do I not trust God enough? Why would God put the desire to become a mom in my heart, yet not fulfill it? As Meghann stated "There is nothing we can do to earn God's favor." Yes, children are a gift from God, but gifts are not given out because you are a good person or because you earned it. You can not work for a gift or do favors to win a gift. This is still a bible verse I wrestle with daily, but having the deeper understanding that gifts are not something to be earned or won puts this bible verse into a different perspective.

I remember one night when I asked my husband, "Why me?" he replied, "Why not you?" It made me pause. Why did I think I was above this pain? Why did I expect to be immune from suffering in the world? We sing so many songs in church about trust, and we tell the Lord we trust Him. But when it comes time to hand Him something that is truly, completely out of our hands but dear to our hears, do we really trust Him? I didn't. And this experience would require me to learn how to do that. 

Wendi hit the nail right on the head. Why not me? Who am I to think I am above the struggles of this world? Yet, I feel like I deserve to get what I want. I am a good person, I plan to raise my kids to be good, healthy members of society who will love God and care for those around them. So why am I the one struggling to bring children into this world when others who don't care, who abuse their kids, who can't meet the most basic needs of their children or who kill their children in the womb, get pregnant so easily? I don't know the answer to that question, but what I do know is that God has placed this desire on my heart for a reason, there is a purpose for this journey. Do I trust Him? Or do I trust my own limited understanding and selfish plans better? Trusting God is much easier said than done most days, but that shouldn't stop us from putting our trust in Him. 

Another mighty source of strength for me were the women in Scripture who lived unconventional lives. Many people believe that Christian life is supposed to look a certain "perfect" way. Life for these women of the Bible was never perfect, but God used their messy lives to impact the world around them and to encourage me in my journey centuries later. Rahab was a pagan prostitute whom God used to help the Israelites conquer the city of Jericho. Ruth was a young widow who trusted God and left the safety of her own people to remain by Naomi's side. Sarah was a childless wife living in a time and culture where women were defined by their children. Mary Magdalene was delivered of seven demons before walking alongside Jesus during His ministry, and she was present at the cross when Jesus was crucified. Mary of Nazareth was an unmarried, pregnant teenager engaged to be married to Joseph, and she became the mother of Jesus. Clearly, Jesus used unconventional women to make His name great. I pray that God uses my tangled life to represent Christ and give light to other women who are walking this muddy road.  

There is no such thing as a perfect life. Life is messy, muddy, chaotic, disorganized, etc. but in that messiness can come beauty. We can have the perfect timeline all planned out for our lives, but inevitably our perfect plans will not be fulfilled in the way we desire. That is not to say that God will not use us or fulfill our desires. Kelly brought up some of the messy lives of women in the bible. There are many cases of barren women in the bible, perhaps the most famous is Abraham & Sarah and Isaac & Rebekah, however John the Baptist & Samson were both the children of once barren women. Just because life doesn't go perfectly to our plans, it doesn't mean our desires won't one day be fulfilled and we won't one day be a part of something great.  

Being vulnerable with safe people was my saving grace. Admitting that I desperately wanted to become a mom and then being told that this desire was gorgeous and worthy-rather than foolish and petty- was the most amazing expression of grace. These trustworthy, kind, compassionate people were strong containers for my grief. Because our waiting was so long, the confidantes changed over the years, but there are always good, wise, loving people who will consider it sheer joy to walk with you and point you to the God who knows best and loves most. You need to know you are not alone. 

Darci's words couldn't speak truer to my life. I have found a very small, but supportive cluster of friends & family to be my support system. It's hard to open up about something so emotionally raw and difficult, especially to someone who hasn't gone through fertility struggles themselves. Hearing comments like "just relax and it will happen" or "go on a romantic vacation, you'll probably come back pregnant" although meaning well, can feel like a jab in the gut. It isn't as easy as "just relaxing" or getting away for a weekend. But finding that support system who can truly walk alongside you without judgement or unsolicited advice is vital. 

So here is my unsolicited advice to my fellow warriors struggling with fertility issues, only be as open and vulnerable as you feel comfortable, don't feel bad about not opening up to certain people in your life and don't hesitate to set boundaries around discussions of your fertility journey. Guard your heart but find a support system you trust and love. Don't be afraid to ask for help or support when you need it and know that you are not alone. But also, seek God. It's so easy to be mad at Him, to feel like He is punishing you because you aren't worthy. That is not true. Don't let the devil sneak those thoughts into your mind. You are so loved & God wants what is best for you. While waiting, use that time to draw nearer to Him. Pick up a devotional and spend that peaceful, quiet time with the God who knew you when you were in your mother's womb. 

To those who are not struggling with fertility issues, I guarantee you that someone in your life is. For them the questions asked out of curiosity can sting. We know you mean well, but it can still hurt to have to explain ourselves or why we've been married for so long and don't have kids yet. If someone is struggling with fertility issues, let us come to you if we want to. It's not that we don't trust you or don't want your support but for most of us, this is the hardest thing we have ever gone through and we need to guard our hearts. 

Thank you to those who have read this far. I hope you are reading this from an outside perspective, but for those who are walking this journey, you aren't alone, you are loved and you are worthy. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding -Proverbs 3:5