Failure is a Part of Success

This is a hard post to write, but I feel like it needs to be said and I need to be vulnerable and open up, so here goes. 

As most of my friends and family know, I've been passionate about birth work for almost two and a half years now. In those two and a half years I have gotten certified as a birth and postpartum doula, attended two births, supported parents in the postpartum period, learned how to make killer lactation cookies, took a Lamaze seminar, studied my butt off for the Lamaze exam and took the Lamaze exam in November.

Lamaze is an amazing organization and despite what some people think it isn't just about how to breath or a method for women to use during childbirth . Lamaze promotes evidence based information, the six healthy birth practices, informed consent, educating parents on the evidence and much more.

I have such a heart for new parents and I want to do nothing but to love on them, educate them, support them in whatever educated decisions they decide to make throughout their pregnancy, birth and postpartum period and to help teach them how to advocate for themselves and their choices.

Like I said before, in November I sat for the Lamaze exam to become a certified childbirth educator. This test was probably the most stressful test I have ever taken. I am not a good test taker, I never have been. My homework grades, and project grades were always really high in school, but I had fairly low test scores my whole life, so I was super nervous about this test. I took two Lamaze seminars just to make sure the information stuck, I read through the study guide, the required readings, took notes, watched videos, talked to parents, talked to other birth workers, etc. but I was still nervous.

Well, I got my score back this week. I needed a 72% to pass, and I got a 71%. In the grand scheme of it, 71% is a good grade for me, and about average with my test grades in high school and college. But unlike high school and college I didn't have homework grades or project grades to pull my grade up.

Failing the exam feels terrible. I've been trying so hard to stay positive, I scheduled another Lamaze seminar, pulled my books and study guide back off the shelf and plan to retake the test in April. But it is hard to describe how I truly feel because I feel still feel like a complete failure.

But I've learned so much the past 2.5 years, I know more about the anatomy and hormonal physiology of a woman in labor than I ever knew existed, I know about a wide array of comfort measures, I know the six healthy birth practices like the back of my hand, I know all about the placenta, the umbilical cord and what choices and rights women have during their pregnancy and in childbirth. I mean, I even asked for a pelvis model for Christmas so I can better teach my future clients and students about how awesome the pelvis is. But my overthinking and brain freeze got to me.

So I guess all of this to say, don't give up, I am not going to. I could very easily walk away from this, say "oh well, I tried" and move on. But I am not giving up. I am going to study twice as hard, reread the required readings, take another Lamaze seminar. I am going to write a childbirth education curriculum, and I am going to retake that test until I pass.

I also want to take the time to do a shout out to all of the amazing people who have supported me so
far in my journey. Wendy, my Doula and Lamaze instructor/mentor/friend/all around birth queen is top notch (I promise my lack of test taking ability does not reflect her amazing teaching skills and support!), my birth-working co-workers and friends, y'all are amazing and ridiculously supportive, my parents who not only support me and my passions, but who also bought me a pelvis model for Christmas (you guys rock!) and my husband who has to listen to me talk about placentas and vaginas all the time. You guys all continue to love, encourage, and inspire me. They say to always surround yourself with good people, but I have some of the best people in the world surrounding me.

To close, I want to encourage anyone else out there who is going through any kind of failure or setbacks. Take the time you need to grieve and reflect on it, but don't dwell on it. Remember that failure is not the opposite of success, it is a part of success. We are capable of so many great things, so don't quit now!

Side note: In addition to writing my own curriculum, I am planning to teach a class before the exam so I can work out any kinks, get practice. If any of my pregnant friends are interested, please let me know. This class will be free (location TBD but probably somewhere around Lancaster or Lebanon area). I am hoping to teach the class to get feedback and experience. Please email me at samanthaswartzdoula@gmail.com if you are interested.